A Son's Reflections on His Father

As a child, I looked and acted like my father.  In many ways, he provided me a moral compass and created a paradigm that I took into adulthood and has done much to define me.  Oddly, his own moral compass went awry and while at times, he was the best of men, at other times, he was the worst of them.  However, I cannot focus on one part of his life but must take him as a whole because much of what I am, much of what I believe and espouse comes from my father.  Today, I stand as a professional and as a man because of what my father was and was not.  For that, I love and appreciate him. 

One of the first characteristics that come to mind when I consider my father is toughness.  My father was intimidating.  He would shoot a glance at me and today, he is the only man whoever intimidated me.  Yet, in his toughness, he had a practicality that allowed him to address things and act with a measured response.  As a professional, faced with classrooms filled with high school students, I’ve addressed them in ways that make the most sense.  Like my father, I am angry only when it calls for it and at times, also like my father, I affect emotions to get what I need from my students.  It might sound an awful lot like manipulation but in my father’s mind, it got the job done.  He was a believer in corporal punishment and I was on the receiving end of that philosophy more times than I can recall.  However, it was not done lightly or often and it was always followed by a conversation.   

A second characteristic that I think of with regards to my father is his commitment to learning and reading.  His scholarship as a minister was an inspiration and while it took some time to take, my home office and library is an extension of him.  To my parents, the pursuit of knowledge was not to be found solely in universities though those institutions have something for the eager student.  However, my father taught me to seek out knowledge in books – to know something, one must not just hear it but must read and consume it.  Like my mother, my father was always surrounded by books and it was through books that I found my own way.  Eventually, it led me to a university and my father’s commitment to scholarship was something I took with me.     

Lastly, my father represents a way to view life and he did so through two favorite sayings.  One, “it is important to let people know what you stand for but equally important to let people know what you won’t stand for.”  As my wife and colleagues will attest to, this paradigm makes me difficult to deal with.  When I see something wrong, I tend to say it, regardless of my position.  I do so respectfully but I do register my disapproval.  For my father, he would have said that my profession requires a duty to the students and not to their parents or my bosses.  So, my actions must have their interest, their long-term interest at heart.  Sometimes, it might cause immediate failure or disappointment but in the long-term, it will help.   

Second, “no one outside of this family cares about you or your problems so seek your own way.”  This might sound a bit Draconian but my father, if I can speculate, wanted me to exist outside the opinions and attitudes of others.  The vast majority of people dispensing advice are not doing so to make your life better but theirs.  Therefore, one must trust in oneself to find the way and deep down inside, we all do know the right way.  Inherent in this advice was for me to trust myself and trust my instincts.  I don’t believe he meant to discount all help for surely, at some point, we all need it but we must be extremely selective in asking for such help.  

Like most father/son relationships, we’ve had difficulties.  And, I’ve not always been the best son.  Yet, I cannot look in the mirror and discount what he has done for me.  When I was in the first weeks of boot camp, I was writing these horribly morose letters, powered by home sickness.  After a few of these letters, he wrote back that if I wrote another letter like that home again, he would never write me in the future.  He told me to grow up, stop crying and accept the responsibility that I took on.  I like to think my life has been defined by the independence that letter demanded – a demand for toughness, independence and commitment to knowledge and to my profession.  In the process, I believe I’ve become the best of my father.