The Honeymooners, Revisited?

I want to preface this article by saying that my wife is a wonderful woman.  The very fact she has remained with me is nothing short of a miracle.  I’m an idiot – an erudite and charming, not to mention handsome idiot but one nevertheless.  However, I think I’m standing on some firm ground when I say that there are some issues I must point out about my wife in particular.  Let me be clear, there are plenty of silly things about men but this is about my lovely bride.  I don’t understand her.   

First of all, she is very busy.  I’m not speaking of work.  I’m speaking of time at the casa.  She is buzzing around the house like a Messerschmitt and she makes me nervous.  I try and tell her to sit down and relax but she continues.  She does it so much, she makes me self-conscious about sitting down.  Now, I will ask her if I can help and she will clearly and succinctly say “no.”  However, the way she says it suggests that “no” is not an acceptable answer for me to take at face value.  I try to help despite her initial answer and we begin snipping at one another like we are kids.  What began the tiff?  Me feeling guilty, her not alleviating my guilt and ultimately, the two of us getting into one another’s way.  To make it worst, we are intelligent individuals.  We are both college educated.  We both have masters (though, to be fair, mine was more challenging).  Still, we end up acting like children.   

Secondly, the way we process information is so different, it is amazing we are able to make any decision.  Our current decision we are wrangling with is whether I should pursue a doctorate degree.  I want to pursue the doctorate for purely altruistic reasons however, I’m not so dense as not to see that more was needed in my argument.  Therefore, I brought up the increase in salary (sadly, a doctorate does not earn one that much more in the teaching profession).  I brought up the increase in prestige.  I also mentioned that the jobs I could qualify to do would increase exponentially.  Sure there is a cost but more education is never a bad thing, right?  The major complication is our consideration of starting a family in the not-too-distant future.   

My wife began her side of the discussion by saying that she did not want to stand in the way of my dreams and she wanted to support me as much as possible.  At this point of the argument, somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind, there is another shoe to drop but I brush it aside and think, “Hey, she is with me on this one.”  However, the “but” does arrive with concerns of dealing with a new-born child alone and the amount of work that would fall upon her.  She is worried that she might resent me and my jaunting off to college to learn the intricacies of 20^th-century nationalistic movements in Asia and Africa.  Despite the worthiness of my pursuits, I’m flummoxed as to what to do.  My wife has brilliantly spelled out her wishes for me and her reservations.  Yet, her well-balanced argument has left me wondering what I’ve been allowed to do.   

Lastly, beyond the use of guilt and the circuitous thinking, she has a knack of removing an argument from my concerns to that of others.  A couple of years ago, I caved and bought a cell phone.  I did not want to do it but there you go.  I now feel empowered to get rid of mine once and for all – in a ceremony, officiated by a priest, complete with a hammer and then some fire.  For a little irony, we will record it and put it on YouTube.  I never wanted a phone and have no use for it now but my wife suggests that to do so would be a large imposition on my friends and her.  What I thought was a stance of self-determination and self-actualization on my part has turned into a thoughtless and selfish gesture after speaking to my wife.  She is so adamant, I’m starting to doubt myself but wait…I’m a grown man.  I was making my own decisions for years before I met her.  Surely I can do this on my own.  Yet, in one conversation after another, I’m beginning to wonder. 

Above it all is the creeping thought that she might be right after all, I just don’t understand why.  It is like being at a party and hearing people talk and laugh about something of which you have no idea.  We’ve been married for nearly a decade now.  People at the wedding probably thought it would never last.  However, despite the fact that she’s from Venus and I’m from Mars, or whatever, we make it work.  So, in the confusion of our conversations and discussions sometimes, perhaps it does not matter because we are so good together.  However, I’m still pretty sure I’m right.  I just have to figure out how.